On the night before the last day in my current apartment I’m feeling an unexpected sense of loss. I’ve been looking forward to moving thinking of it as leaving negative energy for new positive energy, a fresh new start in a new apartment in a new (to me) area of town. I’ve been so busy with work and I’m still not even close to being packed so I’ve had no time to even think about what it all means.
Then in a moment, reality started to sink in that I’m leaving this home and it feels like I’m leaving this period of my life, which is scary. Some tears started to appear as sadness set in and then I wondered why? Why would I be sad leaving when I’ve been looking forward to getting out of here? Why this scary feeling when this period of my life in this apartment holds mostly bad memories?
In five years there have definitely been some good times, however, when I look back I realize it’s now been 3 years of the most miserable times of my life. Three years in varying degrees of a black hole that I often didn’t know if I’d get out of. Why am I sad to leave that behind? Do I want to stay where I’ve been so unhappy because it’s comfortable and predictable? Or am I afraid that it’s all going to follow me no matter where I go?
When I gave apartment notice two months ago, I had no idea where I’d end up if anywhere. I was giving in to the fact that I could no longer afford the rent I was paying; I had little work and an ever increasing debt. I really did start planning for any and all outcomes including having to move back with my mother on the other side of the country which seemed like the worst possible outcome to me. I have way too much stuff, furniture, a life and 2 cats here, how would I move across country? Even if I did get rid of everything I own, my cats are my heart and I couldn’t do that to them especially when I know the move would be as temporary as I could make it only to return asap.
I constantly searched the apartment listings to see what was out there and that just added to my depression when I saw the horrible apartments available. Did I really have to end up in a roach bachelor or tiny low ceiling basement both far from downtown and pay only a hundred or two less a month? It wasn’t looking good.
Meanwhile, work started to get busier and the apartment listings for June started appearing. Before April was over I found out about an apartment that seemed to fulfill everything on my wish list, I went to see it and it was perfect. A few days later I found out that I got it and my luck started to change.
Work has been crazy busy the last couple months and more opportunities started coming my way. As always when work is good no matter how busy, I start to feel more positive and hopeful, although the fear of that never lasting long stays with me. I can’t get too comfortable, but I was going with it. My business seems exciting again and some amazing opportunities are coming my way lately. Life is looking up.
During the last month the screaming couple upstairs got more and more annoying and I couldn’t wait to get out of here. I started getting excited to get away from all the negative energy and bad memories in this apartment and have a fresh new environment to continue the upswing my life has been on.
Here I was tonight starting to panic that I can’t possibly finish packing, cleaning AND paint the dark red wall I loved so much all tomorrow? So like most things that overwhelm me I started to shut down and all of a sudden found myself getting depressed about leaving this apartment. Maybe I’m sad that with all I have to do I won’t have a moment to feel what I’m feeling and reflect on my time here. Did I continue with my packing and cleaning? No. Did I go to bed early to get a fresh start in the morning? No. I stayed up late writing this blog.
I’m also realizing this might be the first blog I have ever written with a plan to actually post. I think it’s my new found mental health supports that make me feel like I can be more open and share my feelings. Maybe it’s that now people that really care about me and have experienced similar things will actually read it and support me. It’s kind of crazy when I think of those close to me that won’t even bother to read it let alone understand. That is usually what stops me from blogging in the first place, putting this info out only to have it not matter to anyone and not make any difference in my support system, but would affect me negatively in my business reputation. There it is again, the stigma of mental health. If mental health issues are so common that it affects everyone in some way, why do we still have this stigma against it?
Thank you for reading this if you got this far…Thank you.
If you like this articles, share it with your friend! Digg it StumbleUpon Facebook Twitter del.icio.us Google Yahoo! Reddit
You fucking rock.
I feel closer to you, less alone, and a tiny bit more ‘ok’ reading this.
I still find it hard to believe that you go through those dark times given how great it was being at #MHCTO together. And yet I know exactly how it is.
Really glad you wrote and posted this.
I loved reading your blog and did make it to the end! Very insightful.